"Hey, what’s up? Where can I get a filet -o-fish around here? You got any leads, man? Come on, seriously, I’m not kidding. I need that crispy, golden goodness like a smack addict needs a sweet ride on that pony express, The H-Train.
I know, you’re all “What? A talking coelacanth?” Yeah, that’s right, I can talk, I can walk, I can SING! But what I really want to do is eat a fucking filet-o-fish, are you going to help with that or not? Because if you’re not in the mood for helping, I can go and find someone else to get me a filet-o-fish. I’m one of the oldest species on Earth, I have *lots* of friends. One of the few denizens of the deep that’s not my friend? The hoki*. Know why? Because it’s the delicious fish that’s inside of that deep-fried piece of culinary poon I call the “filet-o-fish.” Nota Bene, hoki: I grow up to 6.5 feet and you top out around 47”, so who do you think is going to win this clash of the food chain? Don’t think the Golden Arches didn’t consider this. You’re just lucky you live off the coast of New Zealand and I prefer to live in a deepwater pockets around Madagascar and Indonesia.
Look, so listen, are you going to help or not? Oh! You will? Excellent. Here let me give you a couple of sawbucks and you can nab me some “fishy burgers” and get yourself some fries or something. Oh, and I have a hinged jawbone that allows me to open extra wide so don’t worry about getting me too many.”
*I found this image on National Geographic’s Coelacanth page. I’m fairly obsessive about the coelacanth and think that they are absolutely one of the strangest critters in the briny depths. I just had no idea that they could photograph so poorly. In any case, this one really desperately needs a filet-o-fish.
*It’s pronounced “hokey” like the adjective or the dance, "Dooooo the hokey-pokey." And they are actually fairly threatened by the fishing industry that’s been built up around them. After the crash of the North American cod population in the late 1980s-90s American restaurants, primarily McDonalds and Long John Silver’s, needed a cheap, firm, white fish with huge populations. Shockingly, there’s not so much regulation and New Zealand’s fisheries officials say one thing, when biologists are saying another thing —ripe for population crash. And let’s not even consider the impact of carbon footprint when we consider shipping frozen fish from a tiny rock in the far South Pacific. So yeah, think about not ordering a filet-o-fish the next time you’re at a McDonalds.